It’s All About the Bike

People have been asking me what I think about Armstrong making a comeback. Honestly, I haven’t given it much thought. The sport is so fucked right now. Maybe Lance can come back and save it after all. I don’t think so.  I think it’s too far gone. I am thinking, if Lance were a smart man, he’d stay the hell away. Put it all in the rearview. As much as I hate to admit it, though, if there is anyone who can save cycling from a downward spiral into the realm of who gives a crap, Lance is probably the only guy. Here are three reasons why I don’t think Armstrong can save cycling:

1. The idea that cycling is cleaning up is straight up trash. Bernard Kohl, 3rd place finisher in this year’s Tour de France was just confirmed positive for CERA. Of course he was. The guy looks like a cross between Frankenstein and the Pillsbury Doughboy, and he won the CLIMBERS jersey in the Tour? Not without some junk getting pumped in his trunk. Get ready folks. You heard it here first. The news that Kohl, a talentless nobody, got popped for the same crap that Schumacher, Ricco, and Piepoli went down for is nothing compared to what’s coming next. My prediction is that in the next few days, a small, neutral country will lose a national hero. 

2. Wherever there are dealers, there will be dopers. So Francico Mancebo, the Spanish Tour de France star who was caught up in Operation Puerto a few years back retired in shame because he was implicated in the same doping scandal that nailed the Kaiser, Basso, Sevilla. He decides to race again, and takes the win in some crap race in Mexico. Guess who is there to offer him a contract to make money at bike racing? That’s right, your friendly neighborhood crack-and-overpriced denim dealer Mike Ball. I guess Mike feels like Tyler, Botero & Babyface need some company on his team of “rockers.” Maybe Mike’s only real crime is a victimless crime, selling over-priced crap clothing to white-trash wannabe rockstars, and smoking cigarettes at bike races, while his stylishly-clad pariahs ride around in circles like gerbils on Habitrails, but I think his crimes to the sport of cycling are irreparable. He pays salaries to dopers so they can keep racing. How’s Lance going to fix that? It’s just not right. 

3. You heard it here first, folks. Blood samples from the Beijing Olympics cycling events will be tested for CERA, and a no doubt, a few cheaters will be exposed.

So what does this all mean? How does Paolo Bettini feel right now? He basically retired because his team wouldn’t renew his contract because they were hiring Schumacher instead. People after the Tour were disappointed with Cadel Evans saying he was a boring rider and a wheelsucker and he didn’t deserve to win. Well, you’d be sucking wheel too, if you were trying to ride with guys who jacked up their hematocrit with the latest designer cheat-sauce. Good luck Lance. You’ll need it.